when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
