dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
