I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
