i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
