Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
