Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
