Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
