Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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