Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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