Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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