This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
