I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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