what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
