the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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