I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
