Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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