Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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