I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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