you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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