My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
