I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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