i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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