ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
