Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
time to smoke my breakfast
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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