Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
