Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
