I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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