I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
