Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
