I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
