cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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