It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize