dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
