I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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