Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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