I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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