I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize