People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
