my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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