At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
