As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
