She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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