im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
