The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
