and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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