so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize