Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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