I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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