i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize