It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
