mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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