How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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