youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
