i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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