Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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