I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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