i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I currently don't understand fingers.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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