Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
