The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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